Wednesday, December 31, 2008

On the morning of the New Year

"Surgeons have plans, where to cut, where to take out, where to stitch,and what to do there afterwards. Though sometimes, complications arise and it is not in the plan. And there you don't know what to do when your caught with pants down"
-Grey's Anatomy-

Its New Years morn, dark cloudy and amusingly free from the smell of used fireworks. I woke up late and surprisingly irritated. I think it is the hang over due to drinking too much alcohol or the strart of my withdrawal symptoms from caffeine. Either way, I'm really pissed out. Then I opened the TV and watched Grey's Anatomy. I dunno what came to me but I watched it even though I have stopped watching it due to unreal hospital environment, where the interns are busier screwing with each other than doing their rounds. Furthermore, they are surgeons! But heck, to pass off my feelings, I watched it, listened. Then lo and behold, there goes that catchy line that took my attention. I realized, after all that things that I have said and done during 2008, most of my short term plans are not going into place. Something comes up and messes my life, and trying to be flexible as I try to be, I usally finish the things that come up but not with the usual satisfaction. But heck, what did go according to plan in the first place? 1)I got to medschool, 2) I bought my own guitar. And everything went to shit after that. I couldn't stick to my study plan anymore, I couldn't keep some of my promises, I keep losing to myself, forgetting the follow through after all the efforts I made. I keep on saying I'll do better and yet when I feel down or utterly lazy I just hang up the towel. IT wasn't used to be like that, I never knew what made me become like this. Lonely, sad and utterly tired. I wish, someone could come back me up. Meet my other half to pull me up. But heck here comes aother line that made a punch in my insides, making me feel like a bacteria being engulfed by a macrophage.

"People do mistakes, its either we do it because we need to learn it so that it becomes useful when we grow up. But some people can't get that, so they do it again and again."

O given this pat mistakes, why do I still doing them? Example cramming, trying to ask/connect with women I know don't give a shit about me. ITts either I'm a masochist or I AM REALLY STUPID. Always getting hurt to the point of stupidity. But frankly, I think I'm over those things, I'll just go and finish my goals. And I hope this new year is not a just a rewind of last year.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

On Christmas Eve...

Its Christmas eve, the time of happiness, joy and wanton madness. Madness in the rush of people buying gifts and joys for the ones they love. Always happy.
Yet...
I don't understand, I'm not alone yet I feel sad. Sad and lonely to the point that emptiness that it is eating my insides. It feels like an untreated ulceration on the verge of becoming a complete hole inside my body. I never really fully understood this source of sadness or loneliness that I feel. Sometimes I think it is just depression, though now I think it has deeper roots that I often or most of the time forget to address. And like most of the times, like adults, I try to wash this away with work or alcohol, though deep inside me it isn't the right answer to these/this problems.
Now I stand at a crux that forces me to close things that I find unnecessary. I know I should have closed this door last semestral break but something made me curious and I decided to let it remain open. Yet, after those efforts I was used or let myself be used. NOW since there are no more distractions, I'll be closing this door and I'll drown myself with work and madness to reach my goal. Maybe it is the time to quit fooling around too, to put all my effort to my dreams since none is willing to share their or share with my dream. I think it is time to close the door and keep it locked until somebody who has the key will open it. Yet I ask myself again, is there anyone, somebody that holds the key?
The past builds us and our perception of these events lead us to what we are. The present then adds to what we are and the future is what we try to prepare for. I often ask myself what is the cause of my troubles. Is it my past? My perception of the present which doesn't coincide with the populace? Or my preparation for the future that I perceive? Yet whatever it is it leaves me in melancholy, alone and desolate. I have friends yet I don't know why I can't relate this feeling to them. I really feel that I should walk alone again in the darkness...

Monday, December 22, 2008

current sick...

Well after previously posting that I should do something, I became sick with a bad case of colds. My eyes watery, nasal pathways constantly blocked, the usual itching of the throat and a very light fever. God what the hell is happening to me. I really feel sick. I wish I could get well soon so I could do my work. Damn.

~~sniffles~~

Saturday, December 20, 2008

So far...

Seriously, so far I haven't written anything productive (aside from academic related papers) or pursued any of my hobbies in the past few weeks. I think, maybe its the continuous barrage of activities that kept me busy or I'm just being lazy. I saw many of my half written short stories, so many pictures in my laptop and cellphone unprocessed, not yet cleaned nor prepared. My room was a mess before I left and almost everything is just piling on me. And damn I'm beginning to cram things again and I would like to avoid cramming as much as possible but hell I'm into it again.
In this upcoming break I hope I could catch up on things and work my ass off like the usual. Though I hope there would be something more aside from work this Christmas break.... I hope

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How did my sem went by...

This is my life in the past semester. My face during ups and downs my adventures and misadventures. Enjoying medschool at its best. HAhaha

Every morning










When I wake up (still wishing to sleep)






While playing soccer











When the exam schedule is announced












3 weeks before the exam






2 weeks before the exams











1 week before the exams












After exams....












During biochem lectures






During anat lab






To the conference rooms





Dismissal time!






During Feedback






Pag nagtext kay baba











Pag nahuhuli sa recitation na walang alam






At end ng sem


How did my sem went by...

This is my life in the past semester. My face during ups and downs my adventures and misadventures. Enjoying medschool at its best. HAhaha

Every morning










When I wake up (still wishing to sleep)






While playing soccer











When the exam schedule is announced












3 weeks before the exam






2 weeks before the exams











1 week before the exams












After exams....












During biochem lectures






During anat lab






To the conference rooms





Dismissal time!






During Feedback






Pag nagtext kay baba










Pag nahuhuli sa recitation na walang alam






At end ng sem


Sa kabilang dako ng usok ng Yosi

Tuwing naalala ko ang mga paglabas natin, sa pagitan ng usok ng yosi, napaisip ako kung may pwede bang mangyari, na may posibilidad bang magkatotoo ang unting pangarap na makapiling ka di lang bilang kaibigan ngunit mas higit pa. Lumipas ang mga araw nakapagtapos na ko, nakatungtong sa isang lugar na mag-uusad sa aking pangarap. (Nyak alam kong nagiging korni na!). Pero andun pa rin ako naghihintay, tumutulong, nagpaparamdam.
Nung nagsimula nag sembreak may sinabi ka sa akin na nagpabago ng buhay ko. Nung una, di ko matanggap o sadyang kasama yun s amga joke time natin pero, sinabi mo sa akin seryoso yun. Napa isip ako ng matagal... Nasabi mo ba yun dahil mahal mo nga ba ako bilang kaibigan? BIlang brad? O bilang taong nagmamahal nga sayo? Kasi minsan, nasasaktan ako kung napapansin ko na palagi ka lang nalapit kung may kailangan ka sa acads mo, at dahil ganun nga kadalasan, di ko maiwasang maramdaman na ginagamit mo ko. Nakakalungkot yun isipin, pero kapag na-aalala ko yung mga gabing as lb pa tayo, ang tawanan, ang lakaran ang kape, ang usok ng yosi, naiisip ko ngang totoo yung mga sinabi mo. Na kahit minsan mo lang sagutin ang text ko (call person ka nga pala) o yung mga messages ko, siguro dahil medyo parehas tayo, masyado natin pinapahalagan ang sarili nating kalayaan. Nakakatuwa na may taong halos parehas ko na gutsong maging malaya ngunit minsan nakakalito kung ano ba talaga ang mayroon sa atin. May mga ilang bese na gusto ko tong gawin to:





pero dahil malaki respeto ko sayo hanggang patawa na lang ako at gantito :












Pero kahit ano man ang mangyari, handa na akong magbyahe ng 80 KM at ng 4 na oras para bumalik sa piling mo at malaman kung ano nga ba ako sa buhay mo. Mahal kita sigurado ako dun, mahal kita kung sino ka, at kung ano mayroon sa loob mo. Handa akong bumagal sa pag-usad ko para isama ang mga pangarap mo, para maging pangarap ko rin ang mga ito. Alam kong sobrang cheesy na ang mga sinasabi ko pero matatapos na ang sembreak, at magiging busy na ulit tayo. At baka sa bilis ng aking mundo hindi ko na ito masabi. Kaya sasabihin kong mahal kita. Kahit ano man ako sa buhay mo, mahal nga kita. Kaya kung ano man, tuloy pa rin ako sa aking buhay kahit ano man ang tingin mo sa akin, gamit na pwede lang iwanan, kaibigan, o brad lang. Ang importante ay mahal kita pero di habang buhay bukas ang pinto dahil nagsasara rin ito. Kaya hinihintay ko ang sagot mo.

PS Mas mabango nga ang red kaysa lights. Ingat ka



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ayan tapos na ang essay/ composition ko for someone this sembreak. Hahaha Godspeed sa UERM med class 2012!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

End of Term Post

This is supposed to be posted earlier but I got Lazy. Anyways, I'm already too lazy to check for the grammar so if you see anything tell me. Hehehe




~~~~~~~~~`

13 October 2008

4:40 PM

The things I learned outside the classrooms of the college of medicine

Well, I've been itching to write this blog entry for the past few months, though due to time and the constant workload, I realized that it would be better to write this piece after the semester as a summa total of what I've learned aside from the lessons in the classrooms.

1. NO money in the world could buy the will and drive to learn - As I observed my classmates in medicine, I realize, no matter how rich you are, the will and drive to learn could never be bought, that the thirst for knowledge should always be constant and drive to do better for others should always be there. I find SOME of my classmates, lethargic, utterly bored with their money and they practically just do what they want never realizing the wasted time and effort of those that placed them there and later feel they need to catch up but it is already too late. So they'll just drop out and let the year come by wasting the time and effort of themselves (if they did any) and those that support them. Though as I say SOME so it’s not a direct generalization but still SOME.

2. People have different reasons staying and studying medicine - I know it was a truth even before I started studying medicine but hell, some reasons where always out of the equation like 1. Trip ko lang; 2. Gusto ng parents ko (even in this time and age); etc... I just say, some of those reasons whatever maybe could help them exit or stay in medicine; making them stronger or weaker.

3. THE RESOLVE TO STUDY MEDICINE - I think this is the most crucial since, many, as IN MANY, lack the spine (figuratively speaking) to go on, that little failures keep them down and let them decide to go on leave. I think this should have been established long before going to medicine since we are talking about a large (well to me off course, and I think some may find it small) sum of money, time, effort (of those supporting you and yourself ~ if you are exerting effort) that goes to waste if we let go too early or start too late. I mean this basic thing should never be forgotten that because sometimes the lack of this break the students due to their inaction or delayed reaction.

4. EFFORT - Lots of it, is needed to excel and survive medicine and so far, brains could help a lot but the effort exerted could (most of the time) overcome the lack of intelligence. And furthermore, with effort and application of oneself, wisdom could be achieved; and in any day wisdom is far better than intelligence.

5. Passion for your desire - I think this is highly related to resolve, but adding passion to your work makes it even tastier, better than the usual parameters

6. Compassion - earlier this year, I got hospitalized for maxillary sinusitis. I got attended by a JI (junior intern) which I saw/observed is just too absorbed in herself that she even forgot to get the lab results because she was busy talking with her co-interns that the emergency resident doctor was the one that followed it up. I also got attended by an EENT resident which I got pissed about, arriving late, smelling stale cigarette smoke and just repeating things that the emergency resident doctor have already said and just like a machine, just gave prescriptions and poof left. I WISH, I SO WISH that whatever stage in learning medicine I'm in, I would never forget the reason of staying and being in medicine - to help and show compassion to those who need it.

Maybe, these few lessons I learned outside of the classroom are worth it for some people, or as an insult. But to me, it was never meant to be an offense but a reality that should have been grasped upon earlier before or while studying medicine, so to remove those regrets like - I could have done better, I KNOW I AM BETTER or those bitter stuff that some students say. But heck as Neil Gaiman said in Sandman, people make their own hell, their own prison that they just hate to live up with. But heck, I think all of us already know that but they just hate to admit it.

SO what did I learned?

1. Biochem is really hard, refer to numbers 1,3-5 for guidance

2. Anatomy is fun~

3. Physiology is just anatomy and biochemistry made into one big mess.

4. Some of your classmates are utterly rich

5. AND some of those utterly rich classmates think your joking or state that your KJ if you state that you can't go outside because you don't have money

6. And some of those classmates doesn't care if they pass or fail because they ARE RICH

7. Sleep is now classified into luxury if you are really exerting effort.

8. Grab life by its balls, hold it, firm up your resolve because half assed efforts are just half assed results and could only take you as far.

9. Apply yourself - up grade your spine and move mountains

10. Let the hardships of medicine bring the best in you.

P.S. I'm feeling old

5:34 PM


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A very old post.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sembreak

After the heydays of the first semester, I'm writing again. And damn I promised myself that I'll try to maintain my blog even in med. BUT no, I got too busy and realized, (poof) the first semester ended. Well I hope during this break I could write the things that were swimming in my mind, the things that I've wanted to write and post.


PS: I miss lb nights. hahaha

Friday, July 18, 2008

Chapter 3: Ang paglaya.



"Ito ako ngayon sa dalampasigan ng mga ala-ala ng nakaraaan. " Nagsisimula na naman akong magsulat tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na wala naman akong pinanghahawakan, inaalala ang mga bagay na sana, nagkatotoo. Di ko rin alam kung bakit nga ba ako nagsusulat ngayon na samantalang dapat ngayon ako'y gumagawa ng aking nararapat na asignatura. Pero bakit ba masyado akong nangangarap sa mga bagay na "dapat" o "sana" nangyari? Ito ba ay dahil gusto ko sila sanang mangyari at di ko na sila matitikman uli dahil ito nga, di sila nangyari, dahil mali sa oras, mali sa panahon, mali sa tao? Mga bagay na pwedeng impluwensyahan ngunit di mo lubusang mahawakan, na tanging mailalagay mong panangga-lang ay ang paghahanda o kung may kapangyarihan ka, tignan ang kinabukasan. Malaman ang dapat gawin sa mga ganitong bagay para makuha mo ang gusto mo. Magawa mo ang gusto mo tulad ng pagtulog, make-out, mangbabae/manglalake, magpayaman, etc. Pero sabi nga nila, "you make your own choices, your own fortune." Kung ganun nga naman kahit ano pa ang nangyayari, magagawa mo ang nararapat sayo di ba? Ewan ko lang kung bakit pero bakit nga ba ganun ang buhay? Parang marami kang pagpipilian ngunit dalawa lang talaga ang mayron, para bang may imahinasyon ng kalayaan ngunit ipit ka pa rin ng mga bagay-bagay na hindi mo mapanghawakan tulad ng yaman ng iyong magulang, itsura na ipinagkaloob sa'yo na hindi maipa-ayos hanggang di ka mayaman, pera mo sa bulsa pag may makita kang gusto mong bilhin, mga taong nagkakagusto sayo, mga taong gustong sumira sayo, o mga taong gusto mo na gusto ka rin. Yan ang mga tanong ko na hindi ko masagot na sa bawat paghiga ko sa aking kama tumitingnin ako sa kisame, nag-iisip, malaya nga ba talaga ako?
Pera. Di mo hawak kung pinanganak kang mahirap. O kaya di mo hawak ang pera na gusto mong hawakan lalo na sa pangangailangan na makikita mo sa mga taong lubos nag kayamanan na nilulustay lamang ang pera sa kapritsuhan, na kung nasa kamay mo ay maipangtutustos mo sa iyong pangangailangan mo. Hindi ko tuloy lubos na maisip na kung mahirap ka, malaya ka ba?
Pag-ibig. Yan siguro ang isa sa mga bagay na magandang pag-usapan na wala ka talagang pinanghahawakan, mas malala ay ikaw ang pinanghahawakan ng pag-ibig. Ikaw ang pinaiikot ng imahe na binuo ng iyong isipan dahil sa tuloy tuloy na pag-usad ng katas ng mga patche-patche karne na kahit ang pinaka-balasubas na pag-uugali ay masasabi mong maganda na gagawin mo ang lahat para sa taong wala namang paki-alam sayo kahit masagasaan ka ng 30 tangke at 400 kumakaripas na mga wildebeast. Nakakatawa di ba? Pero yon di ba ay isang parte ng katotohanan na kahit ang anong gawin mo para mahalin ka ng isang tao, na para sayo siya ang gusto mong gawing buhay, pero para sa kanya ikaw ay mas mababa pa sa basura? O kaya naman na kahit anong gawin mo isa ka lang sa mga taong di niya mapiling mahalin dahil pangit ka para sa kanya, mukha kang bozanian beast fighter, mahirap ka, di ka fratman, di ka payat o payat tiganan, pandak ka, at marami pang mga dahilan upang sabihin niyang ayaw ka niya. Nakakalungkot di ba? Pero ano ang pinanghahawakan mo sa kanya? Di mo rin maisip pero ano nga ba?
Ano ang pinaghahawakan mo sa mga bagay na ganito di ba? Hawak mo nga ba talaga ang kinabukasan? Malaya ka nga ba talaga? Malaya upang umusad patungo sa ikina-aaya mo? Sabo nila ang edukasyon at isang daan sa kalayaan, pero di ba unting porsyento lamang ng mahihirap ang nakaka kuha ng sapat na edulasyon? At minsan ang edukasyon mo ang nagiging kulungan mo pag hinayaan mo ito na ito na lang ang maging basihan ng buhay mo?
Ngayon ano nga ba kalayaan?
Ito ba ay makakamit mo kung mahirap ka, kung di ka edukado, kung ikaw inaalipusta, kung ikaw ay pinagbiyayaan ng pangit na itsura? Ikaw ba ay malaya? Magiging malaya ka nga ba? Di ko pa rin mahanap ang sagot kung ano ang pagiging malaya sa mundo kong kinagagalawan kung saan tayo ay tinatawag na malaya ngunit di naman talagang malaya. Na palagi tayong iniipit ng mga bagay na nilikha ng tao bilang pamantayan niya ng kanyang kagustuhan. Ngayon nga naman ano ang pagiging malaya?

Short Stories Take Two: Ang Paglisan.

A part of the good bye phase in lb. The days, nights and failings (?).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ilang awit pa ba ang aawitin, o giliw ko!~"

Yan ang unang tining na nagpagising sa isipan ni Pablo, habang siya ay kumakain ng kanyang sopas mula sa kantina sa baba ng kanilang dormitoryo. Nag-iisip, nangungulila sa taong di man lang niya nakita na nagbigay o nagsukli ng pagmamahal at atensyon na ibinibigay niya. Wala siyang magawa dun, dahil ang pagmamahal ay hindi ipinipilit sa taong ayaw.

"Oi! Bong! Ang sopas mo ay lumalamig na! Kainin mo na yan! Baka tumulo lang ang laway mo sa sopas at lalong lumamig yan!" bati ng kanyang kaibigang si Ando na kasama niya din humihigop ng sopas at natatawa sa itsura ni Pablo habang nakabukas ang bibig nito at nakatitig sa malayo, nag-iisp, nangungulila.

Napatingin na lamang si Pablo sa sopas na parang nagulat at dahan-dahang sumubo nito. Natuloy ang kanyang pag-iisip habang humihigop ng sopas. Naalala niya ang mga tawaanan nila, ang mga oras na sila ay magkasama at --

"Tatlong oras na akong nagpapacute sa iyo, di mo man lang napapansin ang bagong t-shirt ko~"

Napangiti na lamang siya dahil nangyari na nga yon sa kanya. Tatlong oras siyang naghihintay, paikot-ikot sa lugar na dapat sila ay magkikita upang mag-usap. Suot ang bagong t-shirt at mapormang damit niya na di man lamang napansin. Nung dumating ang kanyang hinihintay, wala itong sinabi kung hindi, tara na kape na tayo dun sa loob! Na may ngiti at di man lang nasabi na siya ay huli sa takdang oras. Natawa na lamang siya sa sarili at humigop ng sopas.

"PABLO, Titigan mo ako, alam kong gusto mo yang babaeng yan, pero marami pa dito sa Unibersidad ng ganyan, di mo kailangang magkulong sa dorm ng tatlong araw at magtrabaho ng proposal na hindi tapos mo naman gagawin. Wag kang magpalusot, para sa babae mo yan di ba? Tandaan mo ang thesis mo! "

"Gagawin ko ang lahat pati ang thesis mo~ wag mo lang ipagkait ang hinahanap ko~!"

Nakonsensya si Pablo. Napabayaan niya na rin ata ang kanyang thesis ng ilang araw kakahanap ng materyales para sa proposal ng babaeng minamahal niya. Nagbuntong hininga na lamang siya.

"Ando, yung proposal ay nirerequire na ng DO sa amin. Ginagawa ko lang yun bilang parte ng manuscript ko." Subok niyang palusot sa kaibigan at pilit niyang pagsisinungaling sa sarili na tama ang kanyang ginagawa. Ngunit, alam niyang mali ang kanyang ginagawa, lumunok na lamang siya ng kanyang lumalamig na sopas at tumahimik.

"Pare, matanda ka na, alam mo ginagawa mo. Bahala ka na. Kung yan ang nagpapasaya sa iyo sige, susuportahan kita pero sinasabi ko sa iyo, WAG." At tumayo at naglakad na si Ando patungo sa labasan ng kantina. Nagbayad at umiling-iling na lamang siya.

At nagmuni-muni ulit si Pablo kung ano nga naman ang tama sa kanyang pinag-gagawa. Unting panahon pa lamang sila nagkakilala at alam naman niyang uunti ang kanyang pagsa sa isang babaeng tulad niya. Pero, alam rin niya sa sarili niya, na gusto niya ang babaeng yon kahit di niya alam kung ano ang naghihintay sa kanya. Inubos na lamang niya ang kanyang lumamig na sopas at umalis.

"Ilang ahit pa ba ang aahitin ko, o giliw ko~!

Narinig na naman niya ang kanta mula sa kabilang kwarto. Napaisip siya, nagsisimula na naman siyang mag-ayos ng kanyang sarili, nag-aahit na siya ulit, nagsusuklay at nagtotoothbrush. Simula noong hiniwalayan siya ng kanyang nakaraang nobya, binaba niya ang prayoridad ng kanyang itsura at nagsikap na lamang siyang mag-aral at kumain. Nagbabago na siya, napangiti na lamang siya at nagbihis. Bago umalis sa kanyang kwarto papuntang klase, kinuha niya ang ginawa niyang proposal para sa babaeng minamahal niya, umaasa, na mapapansin na rin siya nito, na may pag asa sa kanyang tinatahak.
Dumating siya ng maaga sa tapat ng H01, kung saan magkaklase ang babaeng minamahal niya ng ENG 10. Naghihintay naiinip. Napaisip mangyayari ba na mamahalin siya nito?
"Paalam hon" Yan ang una niya narinig mula sa babaeng nakatalikod sa kanya na may kausap-usap na lalaking may dalang sasakyan. Unti unting nagusot ang kanyang papel na hawak noon, di malaman ang kanyang gagawin. Napa-upo na lamang siya sa upuan ng kabilang kwarto, ang H02 at nakinig.

"Sandali, nagawa mo na ba yung proposal mo?" Batid ng babaeng di niya kilala.
"Yun? May gumawa na nun para sa akin eh. Hihihi".
"Hahaha. Bahala ka, sino na naman yung niloko mong lalaki? Hahaha kawawa naman yun. Bobo."
"Pabayaan mo yun. Tanga siya eh, ASA naman siya sa akin, di kami talo at pangit yun"

Di na niya natiis ang mga nakakasirang mga salita na kanyang naririnig, tuluyan na niyang ginusot, pinunit ang ginawa niya. Napaluha na lamang siya dahil napansin niyang maganda pala ang pagkakagawa ng proposal na ginawa niya para sa iba. Naghintay na lamang siya sa silid na iyon, naki seat in sa klase ng ENG 1 na matagal na niyang nakuha at umalis agad pagkatapos nito.

"Nais kong magpakasabog, dahil olats ako~!
Kahit ano hihiihitin, kahit tambutso~!"

Humihigop ng sopas si Pablo, nag-iisa sa tapat ng kantina ng kanilang dormitoryo, nakatulala sa salamin na parang may pinagmamasdan sa malayo.
"Pablo! Di ka ba napapaso? Umaaso-aso pa yang sopas mo!"
"HUh?! Mainit ba? Di ko malasahan eh"

"Lahat ay aking gagawin upang hindi ko na isipin na nag-iisa na ako-oh~!"

Existential Crisis Day 12: Nearing Graduation. A Restart and view in freedom

This is actually a delayed post. E-edit ko pa para directly after siya ng existential crisis: LB

~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hanggang napagod tayong umikot kung saan saan na rin pala tayong umabot. Ang gusto lang natin malaman mayroon pa ba tayong ibang mapupuntahan~"
Pasyal - Sugarfree

At ito ako ngayon, existential crisis day 12, nag-iisip kung saan pupunta, saang ibayo ang magbubukas ng kanyang pantalan o laot ng buhay kung saan pwede tayong dumako at pumunta upang umusad o magpahinga. Naisip ko tuloy ang mga adventures and misadventures ko sa Los Banos, ang mga kasawian, unting pagwawagi sa laban at ang pagtatapos ng digmaan sa unibersidad na alam ko sa loob ko, di lubos ang aking pagkapanalo at tanging nabuhay lamang ako, ika nga nagsurvive lang. At kung pamilyar kayo sa kanta na Pasyal ng Sugarfree, mapapansin niyo ang dulo ng kanta, walang patutunguhan, tapos, wala ng next episode. Parang sa lahat ng paghihirap mo, ipit ka pa rin sa buhay mo. Walang nagbago, hindi ka umusad at hindi mo nakamit ang kalayaan mong inaasam. Di ko alam pero, habang sa panahon na malapit na ang pagtatapos, nararamdaman kong dahan dahang kong inuukit ang magigi kong landas na hindi ko na matatakasan, na parang ako mismo ang gumagawa ng aking magiging kulungan. Nakakatawang isipin di ba? Binuhos mo ang apat na taon at kung sa lagay ko, magbubuhos ka ulit ng 5 hanggang 10 taon ng oras mo upang maging malaya ka. Malaya sa kahirapan, sa puder ng magulang, sa maraming mga bagay na bumabagabag sa iyo. Pero ngayon ko lamang napansin, hindi ako magiging tunay na malaya. Siguradong maiipit din ako sa aking buhay na gagawin. At ang ilang bahagi ng akong sarili ay maglalaho at tanging magiging alaala na lamang. Guni-guni na sigurado din akong malilimutan ng mga tao sa aking paligid at ang tanging babakat na lamang sa kanilang isipan ay ang "ako" na nagbago. Siguro, may ilang taong makakapansin ng aking pagbabago ngunit huli na para ako ay sunduin at magbago sa ginawa kong landas na siyang papatay sa akin at hindi na ako mababalik ng mga taong makakapansin ng aking pagbabago. Pero sabi nga nila ang kamatayan ay isang pagbabago, isa lamang mukha ng isang barya at ang kabila noon ay ang pagkabuhay, na isa ring pagbabago. Pero, sapat ba ang magiging pagbabago? Di ko rin alam dahil simula noong day one ng existential crisis ko, andoon na ako sa gitna ng barya. Tinitignan ang buhay ko sa iba't ibang punto, ang pagkamatay at muling pagbuhay ng panibagong "ako", pero di tulad ng dati na kahit pa paano nalalaman ko o nakikita ko ang magiging resulta, hindi ko makita ang pagkabuhay. Di ko maaninag ang magiging kinabukasan. Naisip ko tuloy, kung alam kaya ni Lucifer na ang kanyang paghihimagsik ay magbubunga lang sa pagkatalo, na ang kanyang paghangad ng kalayaan mula sa Lumikha ay mababale wala itutuloy niya pa kaya ang digmaan? Kung nalaman niya na di siya magiging malaya sa lumikha dahil naging anino lamang siya nito at nasa ilalim pa rin siya ng kapangyarihan ng Lumikha papayag pa kaya siyang maging panginoon ng impyerno? Di ko rin alam, dahil di rin nga naman ako si Lucifer pero ako kaya, papayag ba akong makulong sa magiging bagong ako? Kung nakita niya ang kabilang mukha ng barya, mula sa liwanag patungo sa kadiliman magbabago pa kaya siya? Naisip ko din, masyado ba akong nabubulag sa liwanag sa aking paligid na hindi ko makita ang kadiliman kong pupuntahan? Di ko rin talaga alam.
Ngayong andito na ako sa pagtalon patungo sa di kasiguraduhan, naiisip ko, ano ang mamatay sa aking sarili upang mabuo ang susunod na ako? Anong lumang parte ng aking pagkatao ang magiging sakripisyo upang umusad ako patungo sa kalayaan o sa lalong pagkabilanggo ng aking mga desisyon sa buhay? Sana malaman ko, dahil siguro it na yung punto ng buhay ko na sigurado ako ay magbabago, ngunit di ko alam kung saang pagbabago ako pupunta. Gagawa ba akong paraan upang malaman at ihinto ang pagbabago o hayaan na lamang ito na baguhin ako ngunit dahan-dahan pa ring lumaban upang di mawala ang sarili ko sa pagbabago. Na manatili sa akin ang mga bagay na pinapahalagahan ko? Di ko pa rin alam. Pero sana.
Sana kung ano man ang pagbabago na magaganap, manatili pa rin akong "ako". Ako na siyang kilala ko at kilala ng mga tao sa aking paligid. Na kung ano man ang mangyari, tutulungan nila akong maging ako pa rin ako. Na sana, ang tatahakin ko ay magbibigay na kalayaan at hindi ang pagputol ng aking mga pakpak upang lumipad ng malaya.



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Coming up next. MED LIFE. COMING AND GOINGS. The ethereal smell of lemon and formalin.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Something at last...

Well after quite some time, I have finally have the time to publish something in my blog. Hahaha. Medicine sure kept me busy. Dissecting Mr. Big (our cadaver), reading a LOT for biochem and physiology makes me wonder, "Have I been missing things of late?" My guess is no but getting that from a known busy body, there might be something(s) that I could have missed.
1. Love life? Don't know if I'll miss this. I'm currently too busy handling the academic load that I need to be rammed and said to my face "Hey I'm here!" so I could realize these things.
2. Friends? Maybe I do miss my eLBi drinking buddies. I need to get plastered sometime soon.
3. elBi. Yes, I do miss my favorite campus. I got lost looking at christmas lights and lanterns at a tree last week and I instantly thought of eLBi at christmas time. And hell, I will go back to eLBi at christmas time to watch Lakambini again. Hahaha.
4. Drinking. Well, I wish I could get plastered and wasted. Hahaha

So after ranting those things I realize:

5. I haven't posted any other pics after existential crisis day one. So I do need to post those images. No sense in making this a "plog" (Photo blog) if I don't post pics that of aesthetic or philosophical importance. So I do need to post. Hahaha

So I do wish I'll have time for that too.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

NEED A ROOM MATE? TAKE 2.

Guys, I urgently need a room mate. I found a nice place near UERM in the Gardenville Condominiums Village. The room costs 4200 in total so divide it by 2 each guy will pay 2100+ (Water and electricity). The room size is approximately 3x3m, with an inital furnishing of a double deck bed. The room has its own electric meter and water costs are fixed at about 200php. IF any of you guys are interested, text me at 09154315387. OR IF ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEED. Text me at 09154315387. The place is quite and secure and ideal for studying. Call or text me at 09154315387 or at (02) 8692695. IT IS REALLY AN URGENT MATTER. PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE WILLING OR WANT TO BE A ROOM MATE TEXT OR CALL ME.

NEED ANY ROOM MATE NEAR UERM? CALL OR TEXT ME!

Guys, I urgently need a room mate. I found a nice place near UERM in the Gardenville Condominiums Village. The room costs 4200 in total so divide it by 2 each guy will pay 2100+ (Water and electricity). The room size is approximately 3x3m, with an inital furnishing of a double deck bed. The room has its own electric meter and water costs are fixed at about 200php. IF any of you guys are interested, text me at 09154315387. OR IF ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEED. Text me at 09154315387. The place is quite and secure and ideal for studying. Call or text me at 09154315387 or at (02) 8692695. IT IS REALLY AN URGENT MATTER. PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE WILLING OR WANT TO BE A ROOM MATE TEXT OR CALL ME.

Friday, May 16, 2008

AGAIN: URGENTLY NEEDED: ROOMMATE!!!!!!!

Guys, I urgently need a room mate. I found a nice place near UERM in the Gardenville Condominiums Village. The room costs 4200. The room size is approximately 3x3m, with an inital furnishing of a double deck bed. The room has its own electric meter and water costs are fixed at about 200php. IF any of you guys are interested, text me at 09154315387. OR IF ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEED. Text me at 09154315387. The place is quite and secure and ideal for studying. Call or text me at 09154315387. IT IS REALLY AN URGENT MATTER. PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE WILLING OR WANT TO BE A ROOM MATE TEXT OR CALL ME.

URGENTLY NEEDED! ROOMMATE!!!!

Guys, I urgently need a room mate. I found a nice place near UERM in the Gardenville Condominiums Village. The room costs 4200. The room size is approximately 3x3m, with an inital furnishing of a double deck bed. The room has its own electric meter and water costs are fixed at about 200php. IF any of you guys are interested, text me at 09154315387. OR IF ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEED. Text me at 09154315387. The place is quite and secure and ideal for studying. Call or text me at 09154315387. IT IS REALLY AN URGENT MATTER. PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE WILLING OR WANT TO BE A ROOM MATE TEXT OR CALL ME.

URGENTLY NEEDED! ROOMMATE!!!!

Guys, I urgently need a room mate. I found a nice place near UERM in the Gardenville Condominiums Village. The room costs 4200. The room size is approximately 3x3m, with an inital furnishing of a double deck bed. The room has its own electric meter and water costs are fixed at about 200php. IF any of you guys are interested, text me at 09154315387. OR IF ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN NEED. Text me at 09154315387. The place is quite and secure and ideal for studying. Call or text me at 09154315387 or at (02) 8692695. IT IS REALLY AN URGENT MATTER. PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE WILLING OR WANT TO BE A ROOM MATE TEXT OR CALL ME.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Handwriting Analysis

Well looking over the net due to intense and sheer boredom I found this little site which provides handwriting analysis. So far it is a bit correct. So Check if its true or not.

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Welcome Michael Alianza, here is your handwriting analysis.

Michael is a very emotional person with a broad range of emotions from the highest highs to the lowest lows. He feels emotional situations very strongly. He'll flash to the very peaks of elation, sweeping everything before him. Then, for some reason unknown to himself, he will burn out emotionally. These mood swings can be very disturbing to him. Sometimes, he feels that he can no longer produce anything. But, after given some time alone to "recharge his emotional batteries", he will spring back into action.

Because Michael feels situations intensely, he relates easily to others' problems. If he is not careful, when he comes into contact with someone who is in a depressed frame of mind, he will also suffer the same emotions and change moods. Michael reacts impulsively, without much thought before hand. He may plan everything in detail before he even begins, then do it completely different when the time comes to carry it through.

Michael has a strong need for affection. He thrives on touching and being touched. Michael desires being told that he is loved, every day. He enjoys being the center of attention. He loves attention, sometimes he even retells stories that got him attention earlier.

Michael has the possibility of being a actor or natural born salesperson, simply because he relates so well to other people. He likes expressing how he feels, what he is doing, and what he plans to do. He is a people person.

He will work most efficiently in a people orientated job as opposed to a job working alone on an assembly line (that would drive him insane.)

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Michael doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Michael will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Michael believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Michael is talkative. He enjoys talking and socializing. He may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. He enjoys speaking.

According to the inputted data, Michael has a stinger shape inside the oval of his a, d, or c. This might be hard to visualize, but if this little hooklike shape is present, then Michael has an unresolved "issue" with strong members of the opposite gender. An occasional appearance of this stroke could indicate a simple "loves a mental challenge" which can manifest in playful linguistic conversations and being attracted to a lover who isn't always available. However, if the stroke is severe, this means the individual has unresolved anger at the oppostive gender - which usually started with the person's childhood relationship with the opposite gender parent (Mom or Dad). If the writer is a woman she will be attracted to strong challenging men. If the writer is a man, he will find the woman who is "hard to get" the most attractive. In a nutshell, people with stingers in their writing tend to have challenges in their romantic relationships.

For more information about this "stinger" trait, visit this webpage. Remember, it is only negative if the traits occurs often and is quite pronounced. An occasional stinger can be no problem.

Diplomacy is one of Michael's best attributes. He has the ability to say what others want to hear. He can have tact with others. He has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Michael can disagree without being disagreeable.

Because Michael has sharp needle pointed 'm' and 'n' humps, he has a very sharp mind. He instantly sizes up situations, making instant decisions. He thinks and evaluates circumstances very rapidly. Many people with this type of mind are geniuses, thus he may be seen as highly intelligent. Michael is often irritated by slow talkers or slow thinkers. If he drives, he gets irritated by slow drivers in the fast lane. He quickly becomes bored when being taught on the level of the slowest student in class. He may be on problem number three when the rest of the class is on problem one. Michael is curious and very active. In fact, in school he might have been a trouble maker because he thought so much faster than the other kids, he finished his work first, thus having plenty of time on his hands to make trouble!

Michael is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Michael basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Michael is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Michael has a temper. He uses this as a defense mechanism when he doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around him.

Michael exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although he may not intend to deceive or mislead, he blows things way out of proportion because that is the way he views them. He will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of his material world. Michael allows many people into his life because he is accepting and trusting. He is sometimes called gullible by his friends. That only really means that he trusts too many people. Michael has a vivid imagination.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Michael has no white space or margins on a typical sheet of paper. Michael fills up every last inch on the top, right, left, and bottom. Hmmm. If this is true, then Michael has a very aggressive personality toward others and quite frankly lacks a bit of respect for the space and property of other people. I would be surprised if Michael just comes into someone's home and helps himself to a drink in the refrigerator. This can be both an obnoxious personality trait and it can be assertive and effective in getting what you want. There isn't much fear of getting in trouble here, Michael finds plenty of reasons to break the rules and get in trouble. (Okay, perhaps when he was younger, not anymore?) Basically, people with no margins are a handful.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Clearance: Accomplished, though BOREDOM SETS IN

Well after a hiatus of accomplishing the necessary documents for graduation, I have finally accomplished it though, the taste of boredom is already starting to taste in my mouth and like all unwanted feelings, it leaves a bitter after taste.
Come to think of it, after laboring for quite a time and seeking out new adventures and what nots, which was usual to me, after graduating and finishing the necessary things, I need to seek out something to preoccupy my mind. Well why do I need it? One - if I'm not doing anything, my mind takes me to grim scenarios of what-ifs and what should have beens and it is not helping my current set of mind. Two - My mind is kinda regressing and getting more and more idle, it needs to be used, feel the pressure, and move on; because without the pressure, I don't feel ok at all, like something is missing. Three - I feel lonely when I'm not working. I hate it. Sigh, after piling all the reasons of needing something to do, I need a job to keep me preoccupied before med. So anybody there that needs a part-timer send me an email. Hahaha

Saturday, March 22, 2008

DEADLINES and Victory Sisig

With the upcoming deadline for the manuscript I drastically felt the need to write and whine about it. It may be either due to the nearing end of my tenure in the University or the feeling of stress after 3 weeks of almost sleepless nights. Either way I'm feeling quite ornery right now due to the deadlines and the stress of a what if situation.

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Well I've decided that after I have submitted my manuscript, I'll eat sisig at my favorite place and eat lots of rice. Hahaha. So there goes my victory sisig with a nice cold bottle of red horse. Sigh~

Friday, March 14, 2008

Defense: CLEARED

After a year of hardships and seemingly endless problems, it was finally finished with flying colors. HAhaha success was somehow bittersweet, like revenge, though with a much more sweeter taste.
Alas So here I am again to gripe but I think this is just gloating. Hahahah

Friday, March 7, 2008

A little short story

This was supposed to be posted weeks ago after being inspired by a series of events that lead to my eventual, hmm lets say resolve in my upcoming career, medicine. Hahaha. Anyways this is only another part of an incoming set of short stories so enjoy!

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Chapter <> Sa likod ng Usok ng yosi


Kulay abo na naman ang kalangitan, nagbabadya ng ulan sa lupain. At habang naglalakad patungo sa pintong bakal na hirap pasukin ng liwanag, dumampot ng payong si Renato. Handa na siyang pumasok sa kolehiyo sa Los Banos, patungo sa mundo ng walang pakialam sa mga tao. Dinadaanan niya ang mga linya ng luma at pangit na gusali na tinitirahan ng mga studyante at mga taong nagtratrabaho sa kolehiyo, ibang iba ang kanilang mga itsura sa mga taong nakikita niya na pumapasok na nakasasakyan at magagarang pananamit. Ito yung mga lumang studyante na hinhintay na lamang magtapos sa kolehiyo. Patapos na rin siya, naghihintay sa mga bagay na siya rin ang nagtanim at aani. Ngunit katulad ngayong darating na gabi, kahit anong inilaan niya, hindi niya lubos na mapapanghawakan at bagay na ito, hindi niya masasabing ng may kompyansa na ito ang mangyayari. Pagabi na at kulay abo pa rin ang kalangitan, tapos na ang klase ni Renato.Hawak pa rin niya ang payong na hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya nagagamit, kulay pula at kita ang mga marka ng paggamit, kinakabahan siya sa mangyayari ngayong gabi. Umuwi muna sa bahay, naligo nagpalit at naghihintay ng oras na kung kailan sila magkikita. Tinitignan ang pag-flash at pag-iba ng oras sa kanyang telepono, hinihintay ang pag-dating ng ala-siyete. Lumabas siya sa kanilang bahay, tumingin sa kalangitan at wala siyang nakitang bituin, nag-aalangan, bumalik siya sa kanilang bahay at kunuha at kanyang payong na pula. Lumabas siya patungo sa F.O. Santos, patungo sa L.B. square, sa isang kapihan. Sa gitna ng usok ng sigarilyo, nakita niya si Baba, naghihintay, nag-sisigarilyo. Nagsabi si Renato "Patawad, may tinatapos pa ako sa aking manuscript, tara order na tayo ng kape". At tinaas ni Renato ang kanyang kamay at tumawag ng waiter, at nagsalita si Baba "Ano ba ang pag-uusapan natin ngayon? Mas maganda na ngayon tayo mag-uasap dahil maiipit ako ngayong linggo sa mga assignment sa laboratory." Napatahimik si Renato, lumunok ng nabubuong laway sa kanyang lalamunan at "May gusto kasi ako..." Ng biglang dumating ang waiter nagtatanong kung anong gusto nila at umalis. Namuo na ang tapang sa dibdib ni Renato "Gusto ko sanang mangligaw. Di ko alam kung paano sasabihin to pero, pagkasama kita masaya ako at gusto pa kitang lalong makilala." Nanahimik silang dalawa sabay dating ng kanilang mga inorder mula sa waiter. Uminom ng kape si Renato at hinihintay ang saggot ni Baba sa pagitan ng paglagok niya ng ,alamig na kape. "Kailangan pa bang itanong yan? Pero di pwede, may iba na ko.Nakakatuwa ka naman nagpaalam ka pa pero di ako pwede. Kung yan lang pala sasabihin mo di na sana ako nagpunta." sagot ni Baba sa kanya na hindi man lang kumukurap at dahan dahang naubos na lamang ni Renato ang kanyang kape sa pag-amin sa sarili na wala talagang patutunguhan ang pagpunta niya dito. "Ganun ba? Hahaha, ganun lang talaga ako, makaluma, naisip ko kasing dahil mas matanda ka mas magugustuhan mong mag-paalam ako muna. Mali ako hahaha my bad." Bawi na lang ni Renato upang masalba kung ano mang natitirang hiya sa loob niya. Nagsimula ng pumatak ang ulan sa paligid nila. Tinaas niya ulit ang kanyang kamay at tinawag ang waiter, nag-iwan siya ng pera at nagtanong "May sasakyan ka bang dala ngayon?" Sumagot si Baba "Wala, bakit?" Huminga ng malalim si Renato at sinabi "Ito ang payong mukhang lalakas pa ang ulan mamaya. Ibalik mo na lang sa akin pag nagkita tayo ulit. Mahirap ng magkasakit lalo na kung may gagawin ka ngayong linggo." Tumayo na lamang si Renato habang inaabot ang kanyang payong na pula kay Baba, na nagugulumihanan na sa kung ano ang nangyayari, siya ay umalis. At katulad ng kanyang pag-alis, di niya na siguro makikita si Baba sa pag-alis niya sa Unibersidad ngayong Abril, kasabay ng libo-libong taong kasabay niyang aalis dala ang kani-kanilang mga pasanin, mga tagumpay, mga kasawian. At habang naglalakad sa ilog ng mga artipisyal na liwanag, tumingala siya at tumitig sa tanging perlas sa gitna ng kadiliman, at sumabay sa pag-ulan ng kalangitan.


Recovering...

After a bout with the usual upper respiratory tract infection while doing my manuscript, it provided me an ample time of procrastinating in my bed and I was actually being productive by resting my big trunk in the bed. Well I did improve my health condition though my academic condition became worse due to the need of getting more of the valuable and luxurious sleep one requires for recuperation, it set me back by at least a day in manuscript writing and in studying. Hell, if one needs to procrastinate he has the time for it right? Well I don't that's why after selflessly leaving the blog for a week of manuscript writing, it became two weeks. Well that's life and you know it breaks your schedule most of the time.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Draft has Arrived!

After two long weeks of waiting for my adviser to read and make my manuscript bleed with red ink, I finally have it! Why I'm happy? 1. I got work. 2. It takes my mind off from stupidities like relationships and 3. IT would stop me from playing around. Funny right? Hehehe
Well so far so good with only two to three weeks before I get butchered at the defense it is a nice time to have it back.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Pre-Valentine Memorial

After a long bout of discussions and decision making, I finally got over a person that I loved for six years. Six years of half-assed unrequited love. I know this will be one of the long and unwanted "I hate love topics" But otherwise, I making it because, after all these years, I'm hating this chemo-photo-hormonal reaction that we call love, that let us think crazy thoughts, disregard logic and wish ourselves happiness though it is not that easily attainable.
"It all started with a simple joke in the hall way..." it all started that fated morning during high school and somehow I found myself stupidly grinning about that experience. And somehow, I feel that she already forgot about that. Then fast forward a few more months. JS prom, I decided to buy an unusual set of flowers, called stargazers. An unusual choice since most of the guys are getting roses, yet I still chose those. Why? I don't know but the florist said that when I oredered the flowers and it went in display, many ladies, men and children said "Lucky girl to receive these flowers". And like a stupid idiot, I actually gave them to her personally, during my first dance. Why? I felt that I might never do it entirely if I didn't do it during the first dance. And like an idiot, even if I knew how to dance, suddenly I forgot how to due to the continuous shaking of my hands and knees, but somehow I pulled through, said my piece and did it again during the last dance. I got a "wait later" answer. Fast forward another month. Later I decided to quit the COCC training then I remembered "What excuse should I have if I'll attend her graduation?" Then I continued the training hoping somehow,and finished it. Saw her graduate then tried to communicate with her. Tried and tried yet it still lacked. Finished high school thinking of her, hoping that someday I'll grow up into a man she'll say acceptable. Then college. Lines got slowly cut and I found myself in a relationship which failed. Later I asked myself, what's wrong with me then I found her again by chance, talked to her again, found that feeling that was lost all that time even-though I did loved the other person, I found this feeling different. I really didn't bothered to discover this feeling yet I was happy. Last year, Valentines Day, I asked the same question again, this time I actually did try to pursue her. Frequently sending her messages until I actually annoyed her. I got an answer "NO". Then after almost a year, I tried to ask her again, then I found myself listening to the same uninterested voice of hers, slightly bordering to the irritated, and realized, she would never love me, that my love for this person will never be returned, a bad habit that I need to break from. I stood outside, sat with some friends and got myself dead drunk. Realizing while drinking that it is time to move on. That this person may not actually be the one that was supposed to be. So after all that realizations, I drank myself to darkness.

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So I know you might ask, why NOW? After going crazy for a person for what? Six years? Why give it all up now? Because maybe, I might not be the man to make her happy all along. Make her feel loved without her getting too annoyed or bothered due to my personality. Be the man that she dreams to be, better yet be the man that I thought that she would like because, I'm not the one that should decided what would she like in the first place. Maybe watching that series, "Coffee Prince" made me realize that there are other persons around, silently supporting you, holding you and scolding you for being the idiot that you are. Loving you for what's worth it, loving you for the same stupid idiot that makes mistakes, blunders and makes a fool out of yourself. And breaking that bad habit of hoping and wishing of something that was never was or never will be, finally broke off the chains that I myself made.

So to finally finish this off, I collected and joined together lines from the series "The Sandman" (note all, characters, words and print are properties of their respective owners) :

"Love, horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone could get inside and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from the any other stupid person, wanders inside your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your whole life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages, it gets inside you. It eats out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" or "I'm in another relationship now" turns into a glass splinter working its way, into you heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. It smells almost of subliminally of summer peaches and casts two shadows, one black and edged, other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze. It smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife edge. And there is much else that is knife like about love. Never a possession always the possessor , with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine; love is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are, whatever you are. Everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And yes, I actually felt that real-gets-inside-of-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Flashes of it, bursts until I finally got numbed through it all. And finally, after long last, free from it.
For now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. I repeat none of the words in yellow are mine, they belong to their actual owners and whatever their decision be, I'll abide by it.

P.S.S. Thanks to the people of Peyups, for supporting me through this self inflicted mess. More power and Godspeed!

Friday, February 1, 2008

On treating animals

Well after griping for the last few (well ain't most of the posts are griping?!) Anyways back to the original purpose of this blog.

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In one of my current subjects, Animals in Biomed Research, we already crossed the topic of putting down animals and anesthesizing them. It just occured to me that what seems brutal for the test subjects in methods of putting them down in human eyes might not be brutal at all. Well it may look brutal like slamming the poor mice on the side of a table but it is instant death for them. Well killing them by aphyxiation might look kind but isn't suffocating one of the more painful deaths? Well that's why I just realized it is better to whack the animals in the head or quickly decapitating the head than just breaking their spine and suffocating them. Anyways, I think it is the most humane way of lessening the pain for them. Brutal as it may sound but its not brutal at all.
In anesthesizing the animals, I just found out that it is more efficient if anesthesize the animals if they are first adapted in handling. It makes it easier to place the needle into them to anesthesize them or induce a chemical in their resperatory system if they are already used in being handled.

Choices

I'm currently in a situation that places me in deep thought. Well after manuscript writing and the usual academic situations, I've currently sensed my end in the University, and like all ends, I want to finish everything, to leave few or no regrets at all. Leaving no what-ifs, hopes and dreams that could have been accomplished, done and left there. So after those things, it seemed that I left something one might call an unfinished business. I really don't like going back and forth in the University to finish that and maybe I really need to finish this. So what's this all about right?
Its what people call relationships that could have lasted a lifetime. And currently its the one of the many things that disturb me. Why? I promised myself, that if I go to med school, what goes in will remain until I got out, unless the other party says otherwise? Why? Its a career choice to remain single or to keep it right? Because it is too exhausting emotionally and otherwise to keep a relationship. To keep that bond that should have been there. So I keep Asking myself should I continue and try to make a bond to someone meaningful to me? All I could do is sigh~

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Over the....

Hate to love her,
Love to hate her..

This line, from The Sun of Maroon 5 is still ringing in my ears. Making me a wee bit uncomfortable. I'm still thinking of throwing unnecessary things away yet it may look like it may be necessary after all. But is it necessary? I commonly ask myself because:
1. It's a nuisance. Its a never ending cycle of getting pissed again and again.
2. It's stupid. With my career choice it is an increasingly stupid thing to do. It is prone to mistakes that you don't like
3. It's expensive. With basic logistics and resource management already a hassle would you include this thing in your daily expenditures and logistics problems?\

It sounds too common and stupid when I think of it. Highly volatile and unpredictable, it may lead to success or to failure. But often times it leads to failures during that thing and success after that. Isn't that stupid? This thing is getting on my nerves. To add more to the pressure, Valentines is coming up and I really want to settle everything and anything before that. I don't know why but, I got this urge to never leave things unfinished. And by God, I AM getting crazy. So I thought, "If I had the time to think about this excess of hormonal reaction, I may have time to finish my studies.." and so I thought. And so I thought....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Sa Wakas!

After one week of grueling all nighters, I have successfully submitted my first draft of my manuscript! Sa wakas! Though it was requested from me by my adviser as early as the first week of January, I have just submitted it. As I've thought about it, maybe due to the checking and double checking if the statistical analysis were correct. Sigh~! well atleast this night, I could sleep at ease.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

After being tagged by a blogger friend, and being commented upon that my blog is too bitter I decided to play tagg. So here is it my list of M starting words. Haha. So who wants to e tagged next?


Use the first letter of your name to answer each question. Must be a place or a name but nothing made up. You can’t use your own name for boy/girl’s name question. If you can’t answer, skip to next one.


1. Famous Singer: Michael Bubble, Michael Learns to Rock

2. Four Letter Word: miss

3. Street: Melenguas

4. Colour:Maroon (Haha go UP!)

5. Gifts/Present:

6. Vehicle: Mazda 6

7. Things in Souvenir Shop: misled customers (hehe)

8. Boy Name: Michael

9. Girl Name: Manins (haha).

10. Movie title: Mad Maxx

11. Drink: Margarita! (My favorite! On the rocks!~)

12. Occupation: Midwife

13. Celebrity: Michelle Pfiefer

14. Magazine: Mangaholics (hehe)

15. City: Manila

16. Sports: motorcross

17. Fruit: Manga

18. Reason for Being Late to work: Making babies last night! (Naughty!)

19. Something you throw away: Misfits, trash, useless things

20. Something you shout: Madre de Diyos!


~ So I did anyways, thanks for tagging me, Manins!