Sanaysay

I always wondered that why at times of sadness that my creativity, intellectual prowess, sometimes my physical fitness is at its peak. I so often wondered, why not during when I'm happy or when I'm at a normal state of mind? Suddenly it hit me, while watching House's Season 4 finale.

"Well, you can't always get what you want"

My life has been almost always been incomplete, most of the times, its almost on the "nothing left" part of life. Makes me sad, miserable, hopeless and the brink of admitting that things are so often not meant to be. Thats why maybe I strive more than what I usually do, subconsciously thinking, "F@CK it! I got nothing else to return to, so might as well push it beyond my limit" and during those times, I perform things out of the extra ordinary, do things that might as well be called hopeless cases. Things people shun as a lost cause. Though somehow I make it through, sometimes in flying colors or maybe just passing; but not failing, as people usual expect me too. Down the road when that drive of sadness and misery has left me, I usually take in many things, projects, work, anything to make me busy. I often rationalize, the reason I take that step is to avoid thinking or stop the realization that even after all of it, I'm still miserable, lonely, forgotten and left for dead, well left for other things in my case. BUT still alone.

But by being busy, I'm just hiding the fact that I am alone and miserable, pushing people away with my downright avoidant personality. I usually rationalize that I have work, work and work. Dissociate from myself and people, since I can't admit that fact. AND IN REALITY, I hate the pain, the reality of me being miserable and alone in this walk. Scared that I would be all alone. So I end up in a soup of my self-loathing. Loathing that I don't have anything to hold on and believe to. That I am alone.

And subconsciously I am starting to like being miserable, even knowing that being miserable won't make me any special than the other miserable guy beside the bus, by the streets, or by the halls of the hospital I walk into. Because I am afraid that I might loose that drive, that drive some people call excellence, ka-bibohan, or mojo. And be chance, I caught a discussion on the radio about Alanis Morisette, on how she lost her mojo, because she stopped be miserable. AND THAT SCARED ME, because unlike Alanis, I have nothing to fall back into, I have nothing else to hold unto. I so often tried holding onto the straws of religion, relationships, whatever comes in my dish, but in the end, its just misery that claims me back. Misery and the desire to miserable again when I'm not miserable AGAIN since I already finished what I have intended to do.

A friend once told me that, I'm having a kick by being sad or miserable, that its my choice to be happy or otherwise, and I'm choosing miserable because with miserable I am happy after all. AND I AM SCARED THAT SINCE I CAN"T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT, is being miserable the NEED I must have? To be happy? To be successful? Or just be being miserable.

And in the end, I am still miserable.
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Something in between caffeine intoxication and having a House marathon made me write this. Maybe its true or a figment of imagination. Either way its up to YOU to believe it or not,