After two long weeks of waiting for my adviser to read and make my manuscript bleed with red ink, I finally have it! Why I'm happy? 1. I got work. 2. It takes my mind off from stupidities like relationships and 3. IT would stop me from playing around. Funny right? Hehehe
Well so far so good with only two to three weeks before I get butchered at the defense it is a nice time to have it back.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Pre-Valentine Memorial
After a long bout of discussions and decision making, I finally got over a person that I loved for six years. Six years of half-assed unrequited love. I know this will be one of the long and unwanted "I hate love topics" But otherwise, I making it because, after all these years, I'm hating this chemo-photo-hormonal reaction that we call love, that let us think crazy thoughts, disregard logic and wish ourselves happiness though it is not that easily attainable.
"It all started with a simple joke in the hall way..." it all started that fated morning during high school and somehow I found myself stupidly grinning about that experience. And somehow, I feel that she already forgot about that. Then fast forward a few more months. JS prom, I decided to buy an unusual set of flowers, called stargazers. An unusual choice since most of the guys are getting roses, yet I still chose those. Why? I don't know but the florist said that when I oredered the flowers and it went in display, many ladies, men and children said "Lucky girl to receive these flowers". And like a stupid idiot, I actually gave them to her personally, during my first dance. Why? I felt that I might never do it entirely if I didn't do it during the first dance. And like an idiot, even if I knew how to dance, suddenly I forgot how to due to the continuous shaking of my hands and knees, but somehow I pulled through, said my piece and did it again during the last dance. I got a "wait later" answer. Fast forward another month. Later I decided to quit the COCC training then I remembered "What excuse should I have if I'll attend her graduation?" Then I continued the training hoping somehow,and finished it. Saw her graduate then tried to communicate with her. Tried and tried yet it still lacked. Finished high school thinking of her, hoping that someday I'll grow up into a man she'll say acceptable. Then college. Lines got slowly cut and I found myself in a relationship which failed. Later I asked myself, what's wrong with me then I found her again by chance, talked to her again, found that feeling that was lost all that time even-though I did loved the other person, I found this feeling different. I really didn't bothered to discover this feeling yet I was happy. Last year, Valentines Day, I asked the same question again, this time I actually did try to pursue her. Frequently sending her messages until I actually annoyed her. I got an answer "NO". Then after almost a year, I tried to ask her again, then I found myself listening to the same uninterested voice of hers, slightly bordering to the irritated, and realized, she would never love me, that my love for this person will never be returned, a bad habit that I need to break from. I stood outside, sat with some friends and got myself dead drunk. Realizing while drinking that it is time to move on. That this person may not actually be the one that was supposed to be. So after all that realizations, I drank myself to darkness.
~~~~~~~~~
So I know you might ask, why NOW? After going crazy for a person for what? Six years? Why give it all up now? Because maybe, I might not be the man to make her happy all along. Make her feel loved without her getting too annoyed or bothered due to my personality. Be the man that she dreams to be, better yet be the man that I thought that she would like because, I'm not the one that should decided what would she like in the first place. Maybe watching that series, "Coffee Prince" made me realize that there are other persons around, silently supporting you, holding you and scolding you for being the idiot that you are. Loving you for what's worth it, loving you for the same stupid idiot that makes mistakes, blunders and makes a fool out of yourself. And breaking that bad habit of hoping and wishing of something that was never was or never will be, finally broke off the chains that I myself made.
So to finally finish this off, I collected and joined together lines from the series "The Sandman" (note all, characters, words and print are properties of their respective owners) :
"Love, horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone could get inside and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from the any other stupid person, wanders inside your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your whole life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages, it gets inside you. It eats out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" or "I'm in another relationship now" turns into a glass splinter working its way, into you heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. It smells almost of subliminally of summer peaches and casts two shadows, one black and edged, other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze. It smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife edge. And there is much else that is knife like about love. Never a possession always the possessor , with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine; love is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are, whatever you are. Everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And yes, I actually felt that real-gets-inside-of-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Flashes of it, bursts until I finally got numbed through it all. And finally, after long last, free from it.
For now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. I repeat none of the words in yellow are mine, they belong to their actual owners and whatever their decision be, I'll abide by it.
P.S.S. Thanks to the people of Peyups, for supporting me through this self inflicted mess. More power and Godspeed!
"It all started with a simple joke in the hall way..." it all started that fated morning during high school and somehow I found myself stupidly grinning about that experience. And somehow, I feel that she already forgot about that. Then fast forward a few more months. JS prom, I decided to buy an unusual set of flowers, called stargazers. An unusual choice since most of the guys are getting roses, yet I still chose those. Why? I don't know but the florist said that when I oredered the flowers and it went in display, many ladies, men and children said "Lucky girl to receive these flowers". And like a stupid idiot, I actually gave them to her personally, during my first dance. Why? I felt that I might never do it entirely if I didn't do it during the first dance. And like an idiot, even if I knew how to dance, suddenly I forgot how to due to the continuous shaking of my hands and knees, but somehow I pulled through, said my piece and did it again during the last dance. I got a "wait later" answer. Fast forward another month. Later I decided to quit the COCC training then I remembered "What excuse should I have if I'll attend her graduation?" Then I continued the training hoping somehow,and finished it. Saw her graduate then tried to communicate with her. Tried and tried yet it still lacked. Finished high school thinking of her, hoping that someday I'll grow up into a man she'll say acceptable. Then college. Lines got slowly cut and I found myself in a relationship which failed. Later I asked myself, what's wrong with me then I found her again by chance, talked to her again, found that feeling that was lost all that time even-though I did loved the other person, I found this feeling different. I really didn't bothered to discover this feeling yet I was happy. Last year, Valentines Day, I asked the same question again, this time I actually did try to pursue her. Frequently sending her messages until I actually annoyed her. I got an answer "NO". Then after almost a year, I tried to ask her again, then I found myself listening to the same uninterested voice of hers, slightly bordering to the irritated, and realized, she would never love me, that my love for this person will never be returned, a bad habit that I need to break from. I stood outside, sat with some friends and got myself dead drunk. Realizing while drinking that it is time to move on. That this person may not actually be the one that was supposed to be. So after all that realizations, I drank myself to darkness.
~~~~~~~~~
So I know you might ask, why NOW? After going crazy for a person for what? Six years? Why give it all up now? Because maybe, I might not be the man to make her happy all along. Make her feel loved without her getting too annoyed or bothered due to my personality. Be the man that she dreams to be, better yet be the man that I thought that she would like because, I'm not the one that should decided what would she like in the first place. Maybe watching that series, "Coffee Prince" made me realize that there are other persons around, silently supporting you, holding you and scolding you for being the idiot that you are. Loving you for what's worth it, loving you for the same stupid idiot that makes mistakes, blunders and makes a fool out of yourself. And breaking that bad habit of hoping and wishing of something that was never was or never will be, finally broke off the chains that I myself made.
So to finally finish this off, I collected and joined together lines from the series "The Sandman" (note all, characters, words and print are properties of their respective owners) :
"Love, horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone could get inside and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from the any other stupid person, wanders inside your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your whole life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages, it gets inside you. It eats out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" or "I'm in another relationship now" turns into a glass splinter working its way, into you heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. It smells almost of subliminally of summer peaches and casts two shadows, one black and edged, other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze. It smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife edge. And there is much else that is knife like about love. Never a possession always the possessor , with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine; love is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are, whatever you are. Everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And yes, I actually felt that real-gets-inside-of-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Flashes of it, bursts until I finally got numbed through it all. And finally, after long last, free from it.
For now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. I repeat none of the words in yellow are mine, they belong to their actual owners and whatever their decision be, I'll abide by it.
P.S.S. Thanks to the people of Peyups, for supporting me through this self inflicted mess. More power and Godspeed!
Friday, February 1, 2008
On treating animals
Well after griping for the last few (well ain't most of the posts are griping?!) Anyways back to the original purpose of this blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In one of my current subjects, Animals in Biomed Research, we already crossed the topic of putting down animals and anesthesizing them. It just occured to me that what seems brutal for the test subjects in methods of putting them down in human eyes might not be brutal at all. Well it may look brutal like slamming the poor mice on the side of a table but it is instant death for them. Well killing them by aphyxiation might look kind but isn't suffocating one of the more painful deaths? Well that's why I just realized it is better to whack the animals in the head or quickly decapitating the head than just breaking their spine and suffocating them. Anyways, I think it is the most humane way of lessening the pain for them. Brutal as it may sound but its not brutal at all.
In anesthesizing the animals, I just found out that it is more efficient if anesthesize the animals if they are first adapted in handling. It makes it easier to place the needle into them to anesthesize them or induce a chemical in their resperatory system if they are already used in being handled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In one of my current subjects, Animals in Biomed Research, we already crossed the topic of putting down animals and anesthesizing them. It just occured to me that what seems brutal for the test subjects in methods of putting them down in human eyes might not be brutal at all. Well it may look brutal like slamming the poor mice on the side of a table but it is instant death for them. Well killing them by aphyxiation might look kind but isn't suffocating one of the more painful deaths? Well that's why I just realized it is better to whack the animals in the head or quickly decapitating the head than just breaking their spine and suffocating them. Anyways, I think it is the most humane way of lessening the pain for them. Brutal as it may sound but its not brutal at all.
In anesthesizing the animals, I just found out that it is more efficient if anesthesize the animals if they are first adapted in handling. It makes it easier to place the needle into them to anesthesize them or induce a chemical in their resperatory system if they are already used in being handled.
Choices
I'm currently in a situation that places me in deep thought. Well after manuscript writing and the usual academic situations, I've currently sensed my end in the University, and like all ends, I want to finish everything, to leave few or no regrets at all. Leaving no what-ifs, hopes and dreams that could have been accomplished, done and left there. So after those things, it seemed that I left something one might call an unfinished business. I really don't like going back and forth in the University to finish that and maybe I really need to finish this. So what's this all about right?
Its what people call relationships that could have lasted a lifetime. And currently its the one of the many things that disturb me. Why? I promised myself, that if I go to med school, what goes in will remain until I got out, unless the other party says otherwise? Why? Its a career choice to remain single or to keep it right? Because it is too exhausting emotionally and otherwise to keep a relationship. To keep that bond that should have been there. So I keep Asking myself should I continue and try to make a bond to someone meaningful to me? All I could do is sigh~
Its what people call relationships that could have lasted a lifetime. And currently its the one of the many things that disturb me. Why? I promised myself, that if I go to med school, what goes in will remain until I got out, unless the other party says otherwise? Why? Its a career choice to remain single or to keep it right? Because it is too exhausting emotionally and otherwise to keep a relationship. To keep that bond that should have been there. So I keep Asking myself should I continue and try to make a bond to someone meaningful to me? All I could do is sigh~
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